Reinforcing Relationships

Relationships abound in everyday life, in every culture, and between pretty much anything.  Family, friends, romantic partners, co-workers, shop clerks, neighbors, your dog or cat…pretty much anyone you meet starts at least some kind of relationship.  Also…what is your relationship with yourself?  Are you hard on yourself and beat yourself up?  What about your relationship with nature?  Religion?  What about the relationship between the ocean and animals?  Relationships are everywhere…

Now the focus of this section is on romantic relationships but many of the factors and concepts can be applied to all relationships.

What is a Relationship?

A relationship is an association, connection, rapport, or affiliation between two variables.  Typically there is some type of communication (verbal, visual, touch, energy, etc.) between these things.  One factor that may determine the strength of a relationship is the communication flow between these variables and how restricted or open it is.  Another component is how balanced the flow is between both sides.  This flow and balance might be referred to as harmony.  As with a musical piece, harmony may be defined as “a consistent, orderly, or pleasing arrangement of parts; congruity” http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/harmony.

Common Relationships Among Us

  • Friends
  • Family
  • Romantic Partners
  • Co-Workers
  • Supervisors/Bosses
  • Professors/Teachers
  • Shop Clerks/Service Professions/Consumer Relationships

Common Relationship Factors

  • Listening ability
  • The balance of needs vs. preferences
  • The balance of inflow and outflow of physical attention
  • The balance of your own and partner’s needs
  • Self-Care—taking care of yourself while in a relationship
  • Comfort level
  • How the person feels with the partner
  • Appreciation or respect level in the relationship
  • Perspective on the differences between the two—are the differences good or bad?

What Makes a Good Relationship?

Trust

Partners are able to confide in each other openly knowing their confidences will be respected.

Togetherness

In a healthy relationship, two people create a sense of both intimacy and autonomy. They enjoy each others’ company, but also pursue solitary interests.

Expressiveness

Partners in a healthy relationship say what they feel, need, and desire in an assertive, rather than aggressive or blaming manner.

Staying Power

Couples in a committed relationship keep their bond strong through tough times by being there for each other.

Security

Because a good relationship is strong enough to absorb conflict and anger, partners know they can express their feelings honestly.

Laughter

Humor keeps things in perspective.

Support

Partners in a good relationship continually offer each other encouragement, comfort, and acceptance.

Physical Affection

Sexual desire may fluctuate or diminish over time, but partners in loving, long-term relationships retain some physical connections.

Personal Growth

In the best relationships, partners are committed to bringing out the best in each other and have the others’ best interests at heart.

Respect

Caring partners are aware of each other’s boundaries, need for personal space, and vulnerabilities. They do not take each other, or the relationship, for granted.

Reference:

Our Sexuality, Crooks & Baur, 9th edition, Wadsworth, 2005, Chapter 7 “Love & the Development of Sexual Relationships” p. 168

Adapted from University of San Diego: Promoting Healthy Intimate Relationship Experiences (PHIRE) http://www.sandiego.edu/wellness/healthy/factors.php.

Empathy: A Big Relationship Factor

Although this might be redundant, but in my experience, one of the biggest factors in maintaining a harmonious relationship is the concept of:

Empathy

How good you are with completely stepping out of yourself? Getting into the shoes of another? Using their eyes to see what they see?…Regardless of your own judgments and opinions.  What really is their perspective?

Empathy can affect all of the other aspects above.

Repairing or Optimizing Relations with Dr. Schwartz

Common Thoughts and Feelings in Relationships Needing Help

  • Are we even on the same page?
  • Are there things we just don’t talk about (“pink elephants in the room”) that create an air of awkwardness?
  • What differences can I accept and what can I not accept? Needs vs. preferences
  • How do emotions factor into how I treat the other person?  Do they impair my decisions and judgments?
  • Where does this insecurity come from…should I really worry about what’s on my cell phone and hiding it from my partner?
  • Maybe I’ll be able to change him/her over time?  Or maybe they’ll just change on their own if I wait?
  • Too much advice giving? Too much understanding and not enough advice?  Maybe she/he doesn’t even want advice at all?
  • Do I “mind-read” too much about why she/he’s acting that way because it’s too uncomfortable to ask?  Hmm…with that look on his/her face it must be anger towards me.
  • I can never go out with friends because I feel awkward…and I feel guilty when I go out.  And who knows how angry he/she gets after I come home.

Potential Goals with Dr. Schwartz

  • Compromise with needs in the relationship
  • Really communicate…not just talk about it.
  • Practicing assertiveness.
  • Reduce arguing and non-productive complaining.
  • Understanding each other—practice and increase skill with Empathy.
  • Needs vs Preferences.
  • Exploring and working through insecurity.

Summary

Dr. Schwartz can help you improve such skills as maximizing your communication skills, improve overall connection, more adequately satisfy your own needs (and the needs of others) as well as other tools to repair or strengthen the relationships you have with family members and other social connections. In session, this may involve individual, couples, or family members working together to solve issues.